On Being Authentic

You know, I used to be an unhappy person. I tried to hide it, but deep down, I had all these negative vibes running through me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't smart enough. I wasn't running with the cool kids. I used to compare myself to others, and that didn't help any. I longed for a boyfriend, and yet no one ever asked me out. I had prepared to resign myself to a life of loneliness and cats. I was ready to write it all off.

And that was just in high school.

In college, I did what most college kids do. Tried to "find myself". Looking back, the whole "finding oneself" journey is so much bigger and longer than four or five years of college. It's a constant work in progress. Well, there was one thing I knew for sure when I started college. I wanted to study abroad. If there was nothing else that ever did in college, that was on the ONE THING I had to do. Had to.

So I did. And it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

And yet, I'm not going to pretend, I actually had a slow start to having fun in France. I thought that I had to run with the cool kids and this was my chance. No one knew me. Everyone was new. I thought that was what I wanted. But seriously, who defines who the cool kids are? It's so arbitrary. It's so subjective. And those few weeks that I spent trying to wedge myself in with who the other kids had dubbed the "smoking clique" were such a waste in effort. Looking back, I so glad I'm not that girl anymore. Luckily, I quickly learned that my heart bonded so much more with the other people in my group. The ones who were a little more quirky. Laughed louder. Had a nerdy side. Because let's face it, I was that group.

I'm so glad I woke up. Because the girls (and couple of guys) who I surrounded myself with, spent time with, ate lunch and dinner with, grabbed a cafe creme (espresso with cream) with, were who helped me have my best year ever. Once I stopped trying to be something that I wasn't, I was finally able to breathe. Take deep cleansing breaths as myself in my own skin. And being happy with it. I realized that I couldn't deny my authentic self. No matter how hard I tried.

So I know it sounds cliche, but, be yourself. Be true to who you are deep down and own it. That's the best you can do.

I learned the hard way that I couldn't be something I wasn't. No matter how much I thought I wanted it. I think it was like the little devil on my shoulder pushing me towards what I wasn't really. I didn't have much in common with those girls. And that was probably why we just didn't click. And it took a swift kick to the head (well, figuratively, of course) to realize how dumb I was being.

I believe everything happens for a reason, and for me this revelation was life changing. I learned that I'm not for everyone, and everyone isn't for me. And that it's okay. Really it is. When we have time to examine our lives, our hopes, dreams, goals, and our true authentic selves, the right people for us will come. We'll be surrounded by those who lift us up and encourage us.

Be authentic.

This is one of my goals as I walk this journey for finding my joie de vivre.

Merci a tous,
Catie